If Not One Thing, Another.

I'm over my weird feelings. It took getting ticked off to get over them and I was fine again lol. If it's not one thing, it's another.

Right now I'm really missing Kay (my gf) badly. Sometimes it's easier than others to bear, but at times like now my heart just feels full of...something, but whatever it is, it doesn't feel good because I miss her so much. I just want to get this process over with very quickly and have her here already. Rationally, that just can't happen and at this point and time it's not a good idea. She helps me maintain perspective and often reminds me that we need to plant our seeds very well so that we can partake year after year and not just for a season. Today she said some things I didn't realize she felt and it left me speechless.

It made me realize that a long distance relationship take massive amounts of work to maintain, and we make adjustments and let go of things we wouldn't normally to keep things flowing smoothly. Sometimes what goes unsaid can prove beneficial and better left unsaid, but other times they simply need to be said at that particular moment so that it doesn't explode like it did today.

I am very open with her because I know that's what she wants, but it hurt to know she didn't feel she could do that with me. Not because I'm not receptive, but because it is just not in her culture to say somethings outright. I still took it a bit personally because what we have already transcends cultural boundaries. I also found too that I come across sometimes as being a bit too blunt, where she's accustomed to words being weaved a certain way or conveyed by body language. We're not around each other to convey things non verbally, or soothe each other when we need to say something the other might not like. I love how in tune she is with every nuance of my voice, and handles me accordingly. I don't love how I underestimate her emotional sensitivity. She's more sensitive than I think and so very passionate I can literally hear her heart in her voice when she talking most of the time. I feel like I handle her with care and it has been noticed by others as well.

I don't think it's fair to say the other person isn't listening to you because you're not getting the reaction you want, but I admit I deliberately act nonchalant sometimes because simply put; I am a stubborn ass sometimes. It's funny most of the time, and I give in easily to her (according to me) but she feels I don't let her 'win' often enough. I think she wins all the time, lol.

I don't know where I'm going with this post...I just miss her massively. It gets expensive calling, and is really expensive to fly there...this distance has to end. We'd hoped it would be by this August, right now but got set back and are aiming for an arrival of next fall with a hope for me to visit her early next year. I feel so lonely right now.

Which brings me to putting an ad out for new friends. I got a promising response and we talked a bit so I hope it turns out well. She's straight and married with a child my kid's age whom I found out will be going to the same school as my child when school resumes. So far, so good but I am concerned already about some differences like she used to club a lot before her youngest child, while I've never been to a club until recently. That suggests a personality fundamentally unlike mine but I'm giving it a chance. Friends don't have to be exactly like you but fundamentals count for something. I stated in my ad straight out that I'm gay and in a committed relationship and she asked about it with no problems and seems non judgmental. Too early to tell still if we'll continue to get along so we'll see. We're going to a comedy club this Thursday, child free of course so I'll update on that when it happens.

Now I just have to tell my honey about it.

Wish me luck. Yikes!