Crossroads

How convenient that at the end of the year I find myself at a crossroads. But I've been to this same intersection a few times before. I got dropped off and just when I started to take a few steps into the direction I'd dreamed of, I got picked up by the same party that dropped me off.

I'm so friggin' tired. I try so very hard to look at the positives in a situation, not dwell on the negatives but right now I am not sure I have the necessary strength. That is, the strength to continue being nice and rational. The strength to continue being run over and still getting up everyday looking on the bright side of things. Don't get me wrong...I'm no pushover, and I give my own quiet but deadly version of hell when called for, and even when it isn't.

The crossroads I speak of, are where The Man and I will sit and talk about how to move forward. We have arrived at several conclusions that suit me just fine, just going to school in that other city, or going to school in the US. BuT, the day or moment comes when he is supposed to book the flight, and he starts delaying subtly. Or he pretends we haven't concluded anything. Or he pretends we didn't talk about anything like that and goes on merrily like we're a happily married couple and is baffled when I remind him of the conversation we just had late last night.

This time around, we've gotten as far as getting total acceptance from Justice with regards to looking after the children, because she knows that's why we married in the first place. The time comes for him to book the flight, but then he commits a traditional taboo. He calls his elder brother to talk to me. I listened and tried to be as respectful as possible (ie saying nothing) while this man told me to in short, to stop being seflish and think about the happiness of the children. He then started qouting unfounded statistics about broken homes in the US, the place I'm dying to go back to. After half an hour, I thanked him for his arbitration and advice, and told him my decision stood. Now all of my phones have been bombarded with calls from BoTH his elder brothers. I haven't answered any one of them. The Man has texted me that I should listen to them even if my decision doesn't change before he can book the flight.

Wtf? I don't know what they might be up to. I don't want them reciting things in my ear and exorcising me over the phone. Oh, yeah. I haven't mentioned that he outed me to them. Yes. He outed me to his brothers who have been blowing up my phones. They prayed for a solid two weeks (I guess praying the gay away goes for Muslims too). The caveat is that they said if my heart still hasn't changed after those two weeks, then it is what God wants. Well news flash! It's been a month since then and they've done more prayer sessions and are now straight up guilt tripping me...like big time.



Two Days Later

I never did answer their phone calls or discuss the issue any further with them. The Man refused to book my flight once again. But I've determined to be out of this situation this summer. In the meantime I'll be preparing myself by investing more aggressively and carefully planning things for Kay (gf) and I. In all of this, she is always a factor.

I've regained my strength once again and am determined to make my escape happen. Funnily enough we are all coming to the US in less than two weeks and I could make a run for it with the kids, but it would not be in their best interest. And I remain rational, unfortunately.


*Sigh*