Her Faith Inspires Me...Part 2

I read up on Islam and managed to come to believe that there was truly only One God, no father, no son. It totally abolished my belief in The Trinity, although I had a hard time doing that at first. Now I find it hard to go back to doing that. Islam answered and made me ask questions like, What God who loves us so much, would sacrifice his own son for the sins of others? Who exactly am I to pray to, Jesus or God...why not pray to the Holy Spirit? How can there be three in one? Islam led me to believe that Jesus was another prophet like Abraham, Moses, Jeremiah, Joseph, Solomon so on and so forth. That is was Paul who misconstrued things and started spouting his own version of things, introding the Trinity to appeal to pagans who believed a similar story of God having a son, to increase followers. That is was he who corrupted the Christian faith because there was never any mention of anything like the Trinity before the New Testament.

Even now, I find it hard to go back to believing what I believed before. I am not sure the Trinity theory sits rights with me anymore as it was confusing even while I was deep into the Christian faith. But with Islam it was all so simple to believe in one Almighty God. Things were laid out and detailed for you to follow. I followed it all right from the very beginning, from wearing the hijab (headscarf), covering my arms and legs with loose clothing when out in public and praying in Arabic fives times a day. I did it all and submerged myself into it, eventually knowing more abut it than some who grew up Muslim. But I didn't have the same relationship with God that I had as a Christian, it was very different. I didn't feel like God was my best friend, the one who walked around with me enjoying nature. It was just never as spiritual as what I had before. It wasn't only the praying in Arabic (which I later questioned as God made and understand all languages), it was the whole covering up thing (why my arms?! I can understand short skirts. I have to cover up in front of even my first male cousins?), separation of men and woman to the point where I couldn't tell you who a friend's husband was if I saw him on the street. I'm left handed but it is strongly discouraged to eat with your left hand, so I slowly learned with my right (which I'm now a pro at and thus ambidextrous) but this is the way you made me God. I was tied to praying five times a day at specific time periods, and it was distressing to try to plan my day to be home or near water to wash with, some privacy and a clean place to bow and kneel. It all became too much after four solid years.

I cried sometimes feeling like I got married too young, and didn't even know myself and then having children when I thought I couldn't have any. I didn't know what style of clothes I liked or anything about me really which I still learn on a daily basis, even now. Parts of me are developing that were just squilched before.

Longer story short, I left Islam in my heart long before I showed it ouside two years later. But I never stopped believing in God. I am still torn between the belief in One God (no father or son), and Christianity. My Kay believes wholeheartedly in God, and I have never really asked how she reconciled being Christian with being gay. Her faith is simply staunch and unwavering. There's no doubt in her mind that God loves me and has been and is with her every step of the way.

And that inspires me, I want that. I want my Best Friend back. We had such a wonderful time together and I felt so incredibly at peace! It felt so good. I just don't know what to do next, but I try to pray daily. It just feels like such a huge journey to get to where I once was from where I am now. I don't want to feel invisible to Him. I am thinking of investing in Bulletproof Faith. It's not so much the verses I want, just some reassurance. It goes back to those days I cried and didn't believe He could make me this way and then condemn me. It's too cruel for a God I knew to be incredibly loving, and forgiving. Just too cruel.

I just want to have that staunch and unwavering faith inthe face on nay sayers and work on my personal relationship with Him again. I want my Best Friend back...I can't say that enough.

Her faith inspires me.