I really don't know what's up with Kay and I. One day we have the perfect dynamic going..maybe two days..and then it's something.
This has happened more frequently of late..usually stemming from something Kay feels I'm not doing enough of or am not doing right. I then point out what I am indeed doing and why I'm doing it that way, and she feels like I'm throwing things in her face. I should have the right to expand her perspective right instead of focusing on that one mode and remind her of all the other things I'm doing toward the same end right? She felt like I didn't email her enough. I pointed out that I call her very often..much more than I prob should. She said she can forget what I say but what I write stays with her more deeply. I asked if I should cease calling. She got upset. Ok, so I reminded her that I send her numerous long texts akin to email during the day..and that's writing. It's like she forgot I keep a few phones with different networks because they have plans that suit our communication needs. Really by the time I get around to emailing her I've said it all and poured out my feelings in texts.
Chatting for months now has turned into arguing, I think because we can't perceive each other's tone. Yesterday I got reminded of Locs and in return mentioned she had a friend too and that I don't understand why I have to keep hearing about it six months later. I never mention her friend or encounter and don't do anything to give her reason to keep wielding that episode at me. When I mentioned she had a friend too..the conversation went to hell and she said hurtful things to me. I didn't mention seeing other people was her idea in the first place.
Anyway, she refuses to talk about that conversation yesterday and frankly that shit has me a little cold today. I don't want to even start feeling that way toward because usually there's no going back. When I start feeling a tad cold toward someone, I just shut down and that's it. Not much moves me after that. I just don't feel anything. I wondered awhile ago if she was provoking or testing my feelings and I kinda feel like that's the case. I told her in the beginning I will fail every test. I'm a straightforward person so if you want to ask me something or need that kind of reassurance just tell me..don't try to go another route..it never works and you're the only who ends up hurt. Ok I might feel a little bad too, because I have failing tests. But I don't see the point in that sort of thing.
I know she's been feeling insecure for some unknown reason lately, saying she feels like I'm slipping away, when in fact I'd never felt closer to her and call and text her tons more than usual pouring out my feelings candidly. But then things started and it's like she's trying to push me away or something else is going on and she's projecting her feelings on me. Hmmm.
Anyway...the last part of my bday ended up sucking dirt.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
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Hi SIP....long distance relationships suck. I have been in one for two and a half years. One of the hardest things to fight in one's self are the little insecurities you can feel about your relationship when you are apart for long periods of time. Until one can learn to recognize those for what they are, they can eat away at a person and the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI recognize some of what she is saying to you, she is afraid you are growing apart, you got that right, and she doesn't know what you are always doing, so she fears the worst, and she doesn't know how to express this fear, except maybe to jump on little things (it is always the little things) because she may be trying to distance herself from her feelings that hurt.
When she can't look into your eyes and see the love written all over your face, she isn't quite sure that it is still there. The first thing my love always wants to do when we finally get together, is look into my eyes. Then she (and really I do too,)relaxes.
Lorrie and I have had to learn to be more honest about how we really feel when we are feeling insecure, and that isn't an easy thing to do. Even if we are thinking, "she is falling out of love with me." Or "I worry you will meet someone else, but I know you need to go out with your friends but I still get frightened when you do." And she is, like you, still married, trying to get out as amicably as possible, also like you, but that brings up other feelings in me sometimes, your Kay may also be feeling things like, is she really ever going to leave him? Am I a toy on the side? Even though I know this isn't true, I still feel that sometimes.
The more I get to know my girlfriend, the more I know how irrational these feelings really are, but they still pop up in me now and then and her feelings of insecurity pop up in her.
I think you are doing a very good job of trying to keep in touch with her and let her know, but it isn't taking care of getting rid of her feelings and since I believe you want to reassure her, more emails wouldn't hurt, maybe less texts?
Not everyone can handle the stress of a LDR. As you know, it is stressful and exhausting at times for anyone in such a situation.
I finally figured out that to not have Lorrie in my life would be 100 times MORE stressful for me, and for her too, so we have learned to cope. We are still learning.
I have no idea if this even begins to help, but I do know exactly what you are going through and it hurts, a lot. I have been there too, and we managed to work those issues out finally, but it took a lot of talking about things we didn't really want to first.
My best wishes to you.
Rebecca
Rebecca-
ReplyDeleteYour comment more than helped. And I thank you so very very much. I saw things more from the perspective I believe she was trying to get across, and your concise observance made it all clear to me. I was still feeling cool toward her but immed after reading it, not once but three times to digest it, I called her and we talked everything out. She felt like you were in her head and was more than glad that I understood her better as a result. It was indeed insecurity and not knowing how to be clear about it. I felt like she was accusing me of things and she was really just seeking reassurance. I've learned I should just say what she tells me to say ;-). Seriously.
Long distance relationships can indeed be difficult and exhausting. I applaud your perseverance and dedication in your relationship. When it's right, it's right and worth waiting for. I already admire your relationship and how you're getting through it and haven't even been to your blog yet. I've mostly been using my phone for internet as I don't have it at home yet.
Kay and I thank you and wish you and Lorrie every happiness, endless love and continued perseverance toward your shared goal. :-) Big hugs!
Thank you Sip, I am glad, I am not in anyone's head, but I only recognized something of what Kay was saying because I have said the same things....
ReplyDeleteI am glad you two talked, because I think you two really have something there too! It is special and RARE...so damn rare I am realizing.