Update From The States...

I'm here in the US now, have been since laaate Thursday night. Spend about two days in arrival city before coming to my hometown. Things have escalated with The Man. I simply wore a knit cap instead of a headscarf knowing I'm on my own turf now, and he has now seen the light. He is saying I can have to kids if I raise them as Muslim. Of course this is laced with massive guilt trips with him saying things like how I'm dragging them into a life where I and they will struggle when he can take care of them in the luxury they have over there. He keeps pointing out how I will hardly see them while having to work, and he owns his own business with people in charge so he has all this time to spend with them. And last but not least, he pretends it's a shame I won't be abl to go to school as planned, and offers to pay my tuition now and set me up with things while he takes them off my hands.

He is ever the diplomat.

I admit to feeling guilty because they do live in luxury there with an excellent school and he's no doubt an involved father, though I don't like how he pops them in the head when upset, which is rare but it sticks with me because it makes me cry...they are less than five years old for goodness sake and really well behaved kids.

I am not sure if I want to stay in my hometown but my sister is helpful and knows people and I wouldn't have a problem getting a job, yes, even in this economy. It would mean keeping my sexuality to myself for a good while yet, but I don't exactly plan to march around in pride colors anyway...at least I'm not pretending as such, and my girl isn't here anyway. Moving to up to Virginia would mean being in a more diverse area and closer to my mentor who is out but not in the same city which probably wouldn't help anymore than if I were here. For now anyway, I'm looking at staying here. Just the exhausting thought of aaaall my family here makes me feel a bit cramped already. I can imagine a bit of what Alix is going through lol. I'm looking at apartments on the opposite side of town from where they are. Over the years they've grouped to one of the four subsections of towns and are streets or blocks aways from each other...not that they ever visit each other lol. I guess it's a convenient location and generally affordable.

I'm rambling. I have to start looking at places, jobs, cars, daycares....and I'm trying not to become so overwhelmed so his proposition won't start to look too tempting. I harbor guilt though as essentially breaking up the family because I'm gay and taking the kids away from their father and a good life and education over there. Because I'm gay and can't help it. This is so not a choice or I wouldn't pick something this hard to endure. No one would pick this.