Awwkwaard...

Well, it wasn't so much awkward as.......quiet. The proposal I mean.

It wasn't dramatic or anything. We were in bed talking, touching each other and then she said just asked me if I'd marry her, that she'd really like me to be her life partner. I kept looking at her as I was looking at her before, totally smitten and in love but did not answer. She said she knew there wasn't a ring just now, and we can't wear them right now anyway so maybe we'd get these designer watches she was looking at. And that she'd propose to me again properly at a later date. I think I just pulled her to me and held her. There were a couple of things that immediately came to mind that I felt I couldn't say in that moment.

The first being that I don't want to be anyone's wife right now. We've talked about marriage and the dynamics we'd like to have and what we'd expect from each other. I'd love to make that commitment to her...I'm crazy about her. Fact is, I'm still someone else's wife right now, and I don't want to think of going straight from being wife to wife. I want to be a girlfriend right now, even partner is fine with me. I've never actually dated. I want to date and go out and enjoy being with Kay in different settings and things like that before that settling down point.

Another closely related thought was that am finding it hard to think past my current situation. That is, married with children and in a country and overall culture in which being gay is illegal and unacceptable. I feel like I'm at a stalemate in my marriage to The Man. He is not prepared to let me go and I want nothing more than that. As mentioned in the last post, a compromise would be me going to school and living in another city. Even Justice wants me to go (I suspect so she can have him all to herself) and I have no problem with that. That would work for Kay and I since the school is close to her. The Man is the only dissenting party..he is thinking about what happens after I finish school. He doesn't want me to go because he feels I won't come back...and he'd be 100% right although I haven't admitted that to him. In the mix are my children. He is very involved with them and is prepared to fight for full physical custody if we divorce, but I'd be free to visit all I want.

I'll expound upon that issue later.

But I have since explained to Kay that I can't see past the current day, but also made it clear to her how very much I love her, want to be with her and how I will make an 'everyday us' happen one day*. She understood, although she later said she felt awkward and hesitant about asking me again. That's fine because I'm fully prepared to propose to her, although I know she'd like that role.

I'm doing my damnedest to make sure it's sooner rather than later.