I feel myself getting more resentful of being in this marriage every day. Some days are more tolerable than others, but when it's bad...it's really bad. At one point I found myself increasingly combative and hostile with the Man, often not about the situation at hand until it got to where he avoided me altogether. That's not a bad thing in my book, but I know it's not quite right to behave like that. The thing is, he knows what I want! Sometimes I want to scream that the best thing he can do is let me go.
I hate that he packages himself and the children together, and puts it as if I want to leave them as opposed to just him. He gets straightened on that point. I want my children, and believe they could thrive just as well with myself and a committed partner as with him and Justice. I realize the reality of my situation as well though. Which is that I don't have a consistent work history, only a job for 18months during after high school and three years later a seven month stint to support the family, and I have no degree or discernible skills. My job has been primarily been staying at home taking care of the children and making a home, which doesn't translate well into the workforce. He at least is very well off and is so devoted to the children that he doesn't see the point in paying child support when he has the will, want and means to personally take care of them. Not to mention another wife to help him, but recognizes no one will be like their mother...which is why he does everything he can to make me stay.
And I give in. Because I would feel incredibly guilty walking away from my children to live out who I am. But the alternative doesn't seem too appealing either, being repressed, resentful and generally an unhappy mother. Being in a country with both civil, traditional and religious law that is in favour of the father keeping the children doesn't help...at all. It isn't unusual for a (muslim) father to keep his children when divorcing, even if it's actually his family who raises that child. I personally know of cases like that.
I want so much to throw this facade away and really go and be myself...be with Kay and openly and fully love and live life with her. It gets tiring and demoralizing with every day that passes. Especially in situations where I really have to play the role. Lately though, I haven't been trying much and it's becoming apparent to people around us, or at least he in his paranoia thinks it is.
I'm just so tired...and resentful.
Friday, December 26, 2008
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Wow. It seems that you have a lot on your plate. I will keep you in my prayers, because I know the weight of living out what's "best" for others versus living out who we really are. I pray that you find some peace and clarity in your situation.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, that means a lot to me :-). It's a difficult balance and something has to give. I try to look on the bright side of things, but had to vent a little.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thanks so much. Glad you stopped by!
Wow! You're in such a tough position. I don't know what I'd do in this case. You mentioned the university before, is taking classes towards a degree an option?
ReplyDeleteTaking classes here may not translate smoothly into schools in the US (which I want to do eventually) but it's an option. I was supposed to be going to uni in another city as part of the deal for him getting a new wife, but it looks like he putting the kibosh on those plans. And he still gets to keep the wife.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks.
Man, you're in a terrible situation. I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteI will agree with the sentiment you expressed - being happy is good for your children. I know it seems like keeping things status quo is best for them, but kids are smart and can pick up on a parent's misery.
The other thing is go easy on yourself. It's hard. But it will get easier.
when i left my son dad he would always package him and my son together...like leaving him meant leaving my son. that is BS...don't fall for that. when he saw i was serious, he stopped. sometimes a dogs bark is louder than its bite...
ReplyDeleteoh yea...where did you get your profile pic? i love it!
ReplyDeleteCIAL- It seems like they are already picking up on it. The other day Sensi requested The Man hug and kiss me. Thanks for your empathy and encouragement. Much appreciated :-)
ReplyDeleteTami- I think he is serious about keeping the children. He is a very involved and devoted parent...that's why he married another woman while I was supposed to go off to school rather than have a mere nanny take care of them. Or that's what I was made to believe. I would feel like evil personified if I left them, but I feel I can always go and fight for them later from the US.
I can't even remember where I got this picture. I've had it stored on my pc for 10 months and admire it every week. I think I was looking up something on a lesbian poem, art site.
You're in my thoughts xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Jonathan!
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be, but I hope you never give up and eventually get to live your life on your own terms with your children :)
ReplyDeleteThat's my hope too itsonlymagic...it really is. Sometimes, for a few minutes I feel like giving in and maintaining the status quo, but I know I'd simply wither away inside and only be a skeleton of myself.
ReplyDeleteVery awesome of you to stop by and comment! :-D